here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
