Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
