Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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