I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize