i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize