apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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