$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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