Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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