I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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