When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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