its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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