then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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