he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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