Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
