When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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