If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
