the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
