I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
