im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
