I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I am midnight drunk by noon
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
