There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
