So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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