I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Operation Purity has been aborted
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
