she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
