this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
