my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
