lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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