The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
