Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize