I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
