I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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