The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
