I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize