Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
