I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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