Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
