i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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