after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
