I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
