This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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