because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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