if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
