On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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