And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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