you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
