Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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