Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
