I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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