he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
