I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
