and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
