I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
