I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
and you fell through a lawn chair
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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