I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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