He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
