Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize