I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
my being single is dangerous.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
